It seems like the whole world is blogging.
And I’m an utter and complete failure. I try,
ever few months with renewed energy to blog, but I just am not very good at
it.
I do enjoy reading several, though,
and one in particular I have been following for a couple years—“
Jamie the Very Worst Missionary.”
It’s about a
missionary who used to live in Costa Rica and now lives in California.
And she’s kinda my hero.
I have to be honest with you, I have a confession to
make. My name should be on that
blog. No, really. I don’t know what your conception is of the
life of a missionary. And to be honest,
I never really intended to be one. I
kind of fell into it. Or it found
me. Or God called me. Or I made a colossal mistake getting on a
plane to Costa Rica nearly 4 years ago.
Because I have to tell you, the last nearly 4 years have been the
hardest of my life. I’ve never felt more
inadequate, more unprepared, more of a failure, more fearful, or doubted
more. Like real scary doubts: What if I don’t really love God enough? What if everything I’m doing is wrong? What if people are actually turned away from
God by me, by my brokenness, my impatience, my lack of love and forgiveness? What if I arrive at the pearly gates and God
DOESN’T say “Well done, good and faithful servant”?
Maybe you are like me, maybe these thoughts keep you awake
at night too. I wish I had all the
answers. I wish I woke up every day
confident that every decision I make, every word I say, every thought I think
is directed at echoing His unending love and extravagant grace. But the truth is many mornings I wake up
late, struggle to get out of bed, miss the bus, arrive at classes or teen club
or whatever ministry activity of the day stressed, less than loving, less than
patient, and collapse into bed at night exhausted and with the sinking
suspicion that I let God down.
That’s my reality of being a missionary. But then there are days, I lean into Him, I
breathe deep His grace and unconditional acceptance, and I let my words and
actions reflect His unending love. Then
I collapse into bed exhausted more in love and fulfilled than I could possibly
imagine. Those are the days I live
for. It’s the opportunity to truly experience God’s scandalous
truth, really see His mercies new
each morning, and genuinely reflect His
brilliant light in dark, scary, lonely places.
Because at the end of the day, it’s not about me. It’s not about you. It’s about a love so vast, so
earth-changingly real, so irresistibly GOOD that it must be shared.
“Radical
obedience to Christ is not easy... It's not comfort, not health, not wealth,
and not prosperity in this world. Radical obedience to Christ risks losing all
these things. But in the end, such risk finds its reward in Christ. And he is
more than enough for us.” -Radical, David Platt
