The VERY very worst missionary

It seems like the whole world is blogging.  And I’m an utter and complete failure. I try, ever few months with renewed energy to blog, but I just am not very good at it.  I do enjoy reading several, though, and one in particular I have been following for a couple years—“Jamie the Very Worst Missionary.”  It’s about a missionary who used to live in Costa Rica and now lives in California.  And she’s kinda my hero. 

I have to be honest with you, I have a confession to make.  My name should be on that blog.  No, really.  I don’t know what your conception is of the life of a missionary.  And to be honest, I never really intended to be one.  I kind of fell into it.  Or it found me.  Or God called me.  Or I made a colossal mistake getting on a plane to Costa Rica nearly 4 years ago.  Because I have to tell you, the last nearly 4 years have been the hardest of my life.  I’ve never felt more inadequate, more unprepared, more of a failure, more fearful, or doubted more.  Like real scary doubts:  What if I don’t really love God enough?  What if everything I’m doing is wrong?  What if people are actually turned away from God by me, by my brokenness, my impatience, my lack of love and forgiveness?  What if I arrive at the pearly gates and God DOESN’T say “Well done, good and faithful servant”? 

Maybe you are like me, maybe these thoughts keep you awake at night too.  I wish I had all the answers.  I wish I woke up every day confident that every decision I make, every word I say, every thought I think is directed at echoing His unending love and extravagant grace.  But the truth is many mornings I wake up late, struggle to get out of bed, miss the bus, arrive at classes or teen club or whatever ministry activity of the day stressed, less than loving, less than patient, and collapse into bed at night exhausted and with the sinking suspicion that I let God down. 

That’s my reality of being a missionary.  But then there are days, I lean into Him, I breathe deep His grace and unconditional acceptance, and I let my words and actions reflect His unending love.  Then I collapse into bed exhausted more in love and fulfilled than I could possibly imagine.  Those are the days I live for.  It’s the opportunity to truly experience God’s scandalous truth, really see His mercies new each morning, and genuinely reflect His brilliant light in dark, scary, lonely places. 

Because at the end of the day, it’s not about me.  It’s not about you.  It’s about a love so vast, so earth-changingly real, so irresistibly GOOD that it must be shared.

“Radical obedience to Christ is not easy... It's not comfort, not health, not wealth, and not prosperity in this world. Radical obedience to Christ risks losing all these things. But in the end, such risk finds its reward in Christ. And he is more than enough for us.”  -Radical, David Platt